I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
