If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize