I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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