the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
