Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
