Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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