I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
