Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
