1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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