if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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