we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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