Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We're too hungover to prance.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
