the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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