My sheets look like a crime scene.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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