I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
