literally had 100 drinks last night.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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