i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
