My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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