gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
