Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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