dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
