All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And then my night got REAL pukey
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
try to milk me bitch
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