I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
