this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
