I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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