i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
