I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
