Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
