i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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