im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
ugly people sure do ruin things
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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