your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
