My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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