Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
