I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
