You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Randomize
