I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize