I wanna bring you to show and tell
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
