That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
