Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
