God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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