Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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