Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
