i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I party with great urgency now.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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