i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
