I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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