forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
