WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize