i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
