Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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