I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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