So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
