I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
