dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
