I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
