My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
