I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
