hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
