Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
