drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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