i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize