well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
