We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize