Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
