Im at strip club and am horny
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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